It's already too early in the morning.  I can't sleep.  Well, that's not true.  I haven't tried, but that's besides the point.  I have too much on my mind.  I keep worrying about things.  My main worry.  The blind date I'm about to go on.  I'm not worried about it so much as I am about a past love.  I'm not sure I have let go.  I feel like there is still unfinished business.  I need to figure things out before I go and move on with someone else.  But it's been so many years since my unfinished business that I worry that I'm digging up a past that no one wants to deal with.  I don't know where he is in life right now.  Am I causing trouble?  On the contrary, what if neither of us ever gets over our pride and we end up without each other?  What if I never speak up and he marries (not sure if there is a girl in his life) or I marry and later we realize how stupid we were that we couldn't just talk to the other and figure it all out.  Why are we all so proud?  Too proud to admit that we love?  But we find no fear in professing our hate?  Ironic....No, not ironic...it's dumb.  I need to be more humble, love more and hide my hate, not my love.  Duh.  Tiredness makes me smart. I think.

The Bro Rule
#1 - bros before hoes
#2 - whether or not a bro cares about sports, a bro cares about sports
#56 - a bro in a relationship will always wing for a single bro
#69 - duh
#83 - a bro will never ask for directions when traveling with an excess of 3 people in the car.
Article 1: Regardless of veracity, a Bro never admits familiarity with a Broadway show or musical.

Article 53: A Bro will, whenever possible, provide his Bro with prophylactic protection.

Article 57: A Bro may not speculate on the expected Bro / chick ratio of a party or venue without first disclosing the present-time observed ratio.

Article 77: A Bro Never Cries.
The Bro Code
1.Thou shalt not sleep with your Bro’s ex-girlfriend.
2.Bros before hoes.
3.Never drink the last beer, unless you have been granted specific permission that it is OK
4.If a girl falls into the following criteria, she is off limits forever until the end of time:
A. Was an ex-girlfriend.
B. Your Bro specifically told you he wanted her.
C. Is you're Bro's sister.
However, if it's your Bro's cousin, well she's up for grabs, and you're welcome to rub it in his face for years to come.
5.Never diss a Bro if his team just lost a crushing game.

The Girl Rules
Any rulebreak is punishable by bitching from fellow females and general looking down upon... (note rules are not in order of importance, bar rule #1)
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1# Rule no 1 and the MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL.. No girl may date her friend's; exs, past crushes, guys who have humiliated/used her and guys she currently fancies... Do this at your own risk biatch!! Acceptions to rule: a) Your friend has given you permission/ couldn't care less b) The said fancying/going out happened before the age of puberty

2# It is perfectly acceptable to take an automatic dislike to a girl/ judge them without ever speaking to them

3# Chocolate is an accepted food in any occasion

4# A girl has a right to lie in order to keep a secret told to her by her best friend.

5# When complimented by a friend it is your duty to find something to compliment her back on… whether this be straight afterwards or stored for later on in the day

6# It is your womanly right to give dirty looks

7# Being friends with your friends arch enemy/people your friend hates is a shady area… if you are to do this you must keep the said arch enemies/hated people friendship with you on the d- low

8# If your friends new boyfriend is hideous or lacking in the looks department when asked your opinion of him it is accepetable to describe him as 'cute'

9# Women ARE ALWAYS RIGHT until PROVEN wrong!

10# We have to go through childbirth/periods/waxing so are the downtrodden sex and this can be used in any disagreement/argument with a member of the male species.. let them feel our PAIN

11# A chick flick wins over an action/lad move every time

12# A guy who claims to love chick flicks must be looked at in suspicion.. either he's after something or theres something he's not telling you (*cough).. make him sit through 'crossroads' and if he survives that then he may be counted as genuine but trust him at your own peril!

13# Two friends should not hook up with the same guy in the same night HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT LADIES!

14# Never may a thong/ G-string be worn with a short skirt.. There are things your companions do not need to see!

15# Sleeping with more than five men in a lifetime does not make you a whore, however sleeping with five men in a week does.

16# All single girls are allowed to hate Valentines Day and bitch about it to their other single girlfriends

17# Females are always obligated to notice and comment on any change of hair cut or color, new clothes, jewlerry etc

18# If a girl is throwing up it is your duty to hold hair back.. even if she is not an aquaintance (friends are often made through this)

19# If recently single it is advised that you do not moan about being single to someone who has been single for alongertime than you.. think about it!

20# If you have previously got with or seen someones boyfriend/guy they like/ guy they are 'seeing' UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES may you discuss your time with said boy, it is very much a taboo subject!
This however can be broken once the said friend has broken up with the guy.. in this instance you may bitch about said guy and share your experiences for the greater good!

21# It is perfectly acceptable (and highly encouraged) to let a complete stranger know their necklace is tangled, clothes tag is hanging out

22# You are morally obligated to stop your friend from getting with a guy you KNOW she will greatly regret in the morning if the said friend is under the influence of alcohol, (this requires use of proper judgement, not hers, yours) In this case 'cock-blocking' is acceptable no matter what the stupid man code says.

23# After breaking up with a guy it is your right to eat a whole box of chocolates/ tub of ice cream without being judged

24# When drunk taking posey pictures if perfectly acceptable.. at that point you think your hot and the camera needs to know it

25# If you have a picture of your friend on facebook/myspace or any other public medium and she dislikes it (and gives sufficient reason as to why she does) it is your duty to remove it

26# If a woman asks her best friend if she looks fat, and she really does, it is the obligation of the friend to tell her that the offending piece of clothing "does nothing for her."

27# A grey bra that is supposed to be white is not acceptable

28# Food eaten while preparing other food has no calories.

29# Women who never binge have no souls.

30# ALWAYS exfoliate before tanning... Also if your friend is turning orange through fake tanning you must make her aware of this

31# No woman at any time shall allow her thong to rise above the waistline of her pants

32# No woman may loudly deem herself "fat" if she is in the presence of an obviously fatter woman.

33# It is perfectly acceptable to announce that you are going on a diet and break it the next day

34# If in a changing room and you friend trys on an outfit that someone else in the changing room has tried on you are obligated to tell said friend that she looks better in it.. however if she looks awful consult rule no#26

35# Don’t ever seek true opinion from a guy on your outfit, if unsure ask a female friend.. this rule however does not apply if you know you look hot in the outfit in which case asking a guy will help you receive compliments which all girls are entitled to.. ...god help you if you infact do not look as hot as you thought you did

36# No woman shall ever go to the ladies' room alone if there is another woman available to go with her.

37# Under no circumstances may two girls whisper to one another in the presence of other girls.. it is plain rude.. share the wealth

38# Friends are obligated to protect and defend the reputation of a friend. Again whether this involves lying or not

39# No girl shall pretend to know / like sports just to be "hot" in front of guys. Knowledge of said sport must be proven by at least 5 statistics and / or an obvious familiarity with the rules of the game.

40# If a friend runs off crying (to the toilet for example)you must atleast count to 10 before following her.. we do not want to make the situation a soap opera/ prove the judgement that girls are melodramatic

41# Always leave the party with the girls you came with unless a mutual agreement has been met

42# Flirting with your friends dad is not permitted.. no matter how attractive you find him (WEIRDO)

43# If your skirt is short enough for the pockets to come out of the bottom, fellow females have the god given right to brand you a slag. However if you're ok with this feel free to wear the skirt, we need someone to bitch about

44# If you are experiencing PMS, Post-PMS, or Pre-PMS, you are permitted to exhibit any manner of behaviors you wish without regard to logical consistency or accepted norms of human behavior. However this rule does not make you exepmt from any of the other girl rules

45# As women we are allowed to be completely self-absorbed and self obsessed when it comes to A) Our wedding days, B) Our birthdays, C) childbirth, D) Breakups

46# "I have a boyfriend" is a completely acceptable way of turning a guy down, especially if you have to lie about it. Friends when questioned must always back you up on this and ’play along’

47# You're under no obligation to tell the truth when asked the number of your sexual partners

48# It is perfectly acceptable to sing into your hairbrush, as long as in the privacy of your room/ drunk with your close friends

49# No woman shall wear coloured undergarments under any white article of clothing

50# You are perfectly within reason to hate your bf's ex even if she is the nicest girl in the world, feeds the poor, visits old peoples homes and helps out at the local cattery

51# It is perfectly acceptable to use any shiny surface as a mirror to check ones appearance, or merely pose. for example: shop windows, car windscreens, cutlery, one way glass on buildings etc. etc. (Suzy Devereux (Sutton High School)

52# A girl is allowed to come up with cutesy pet names for her boyfriend and use them around his friends for general punishment if he has angered or displeased her in any way.

53# It is your womanly right to take hoodies, boxers and t-shirts from guys without returning them. Hovever this is overuled if said guy is your friends bf/brother/love interest/dad/uncle.. you get the picture

54# Girls should always explain or apologize for not calling another female friend back. We are courteous to our friends.

55# You will always have your best mates 'back'. This is a sign of a true friend.

56# A girl must under to circumstances slap a guy, its so cliche! Instead nutting him will suffice.

57# NEVER EVER say 'i love you' without meaning it. The male population do it enough for both sexes, we don't need to stoop to their level.

58# In no way does a girl have to mean what she says when in conversation with the opposite sex. Some examples are listed (to help the boys out);

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

I don't know how I feel about the "rules".  I mean, it's great to have rules, I'm all for respecting other girls, complimenting them and looking out for them and what not, I mean, I'm a girl and I appreciate when other girls do the same for me.  But recently girl rule number one has been a huge deal for me.  I'm a girl, I've liked plenty of guys and had plenty of those guys be into other girls.  I get it, it sucks.  But come on ladies, unless the guy is like your soul mate, why wouldn't you want him to date one of your friends if they're meant to be together?  I mean, yeah it sucks to see your friend happy with the guy you didn't work out with, but like come on, don't be jealous, he wasn't right for you because someone else is. You'll find the right guy eventually. 

So why do you keep me away from a guy I really really really like and you never dated him, you just think he's cute and you liked him before I even knew either of you and yet you would rather keep us apart for your own pleasure than see us be happy especially when you have a boyfriend who you claim to be crazy about.  Why keep this going?  Now some guy thinks I hate him just because I avoid him for your sake.  And you're not even my friend anymore.  So much for keeping the girl code.

Also, why don't girls just say what they mean?  If you don't want your man to do something, say so.  Don't catch him in a trap where you say "sure" when you mean "no" or "fine" when you're far from fine. 

And finally why do chicks hate other chicks they've never met?  I know I do this too.  Is it some sort of feeling threatened?  Why?!?  Why do we do these heinous things?

What's your gripe with "the code"?   

I don't know what it is but I can't listen to music I listened to in high school without being taken back eight years.  Back to the days when anything was possible.  The excitement of anticipation constantly hung in the air.  Life was full of expectations.  I was a wide eyed junior in high school.  I spent my days studying at home, my afternoons and evenings at my part time job which felt more like a full time one, my nights running and my weekends at the local ice cream place, bowling alley or movie theater.  Anything could've happened.  I remember how much of a dreamer I used to be.  I wasn't afraid of anything.  I dared to be things I would never have the guts now.  I wasn't afraid to wear what I wanted, be what I wanted, say what I felt, flirt, ask a guy out, make a fool of myself. 

I had everything in the world and yet I wanted more.  I didn't have my license and when I did, no car.  Not of my own that is.  I'd bum rides off the boy of my dreams, my coworker who I'd crushed on in junior high but hadn't seen in two years til we ran into each other in our neighborhood and he suggested I apply at his work because I was looking for a job. 

I'd always hope he'd say something, that he'd notice, that he'd ask me someday....And he did.  He noticed.  He paid attention.  He wrote notes in my math notebook that I'd leave on the counter while I'd go check on a table.  I'd find the notes later at home when I had to really get work done and he'd had written on the top of the page or in the back or the front.  He'd try to make me laugh by doing silly stupid things and when I was on the phone, he'd try to get my attention.  Everyone at work claimed he liked me, whether they were rooting for me or because they wanted him for themselves.  He'd be out at night when I'd be running.  He'd try to get my attention with a glass of water or a simple hello.  He was definitely interested.  It's a wonder nothing ever happened.

Weekends were always exciting with the prospect of new places and people and new events coming out of the night.  Work always held the expectation of seeing him and later on a new someone when I feared that I'd lost J.  He was slowly turning away from me.  He started taking off and would be gone by the time I left.  He stopped caring.  He'd pretend to when I'd come in on off days.  He'd flirt and say hi and when I'd compliment he'd say cute things like, "Oh you noticed!".  He'd tease me by flicking the lights off or trying to scare me when he knew I was in the walk in cooler.  He still noticed but I wonder if he backed off because everyone thought I'd moved on.  People sure can talk. 

It's years later.  Seven or eight to be exact....I'm still not moved on.  I've pretended to be but I'm not.  More than a few people would be upset to hear that.  My best friend of seventeen years, probably my family, who knows who else.  The best friend thinks him a jerk.  My family probably the same.  Probably my fault, in my anger, saying how much I didn't like him anymore when really I was hurt.  People say things they don't mean, right?

I'll never forget those days....sitting with my senior coworker and manager while she'd take a smoke break (before they made the no smoking inside law), talking with her when she had time and my three usuals who would join us in our talk unless Y didn't have the time.  Then they'd keep me company.  V was my favorite.  A divorced middle age man who took a shining to me, like a daughter.  I liked that he had time to talk to me (if you're thinking anything more, ew.  It was nice to have an adult man take interest in my life, my school, my fears, my dreams like a father should).  Sometimes feeling left out or self conscious because I was homeschooled since 9th, he'd encourage me that it wasn't so bad.  He'd have loved to have been if it existed when he was in school- too much pressure, too many judgmental kids, too much growing up too fast.  He'd always ask what I was studying or what was new in my life- probably a result of his ever-absent son who only showed up at the restaurant once a month to ask for money and then bolted before he could ask how he was. 

I miss the end of the nights when it was quiet except for the overhead 50's music playing and the occasional joking around.  Always the joy of it being the end of another good day and the hopes of another one tomorrow.  The hope of tomorrow.

The antique auto ramas that took place the one summer, the video store that used to be next door but closed by the end of the summer, walking home warm evenings when J stopped waiting around to drive me home, all the people I met those nights while I attempted to fit in homework in between tables.  The small town that I eventually couldn't wait to get out of, but somehow found my way back here- surprisingly glad to be back and even more surprised to have missed it.

Sometimes I feel like I can almost turn on Jimmy Eat World or Lifehouse and shut my eyes and I'm back to the summer of 2003.  We're back in town, J and I and I sometimes forget that things can't just go back to how they used to be....I don't know who's in his life right now, if anyone is....I'm not the brave 17 year old I once was....brave enough to find out.  Brave enough to ask.